Ready to look for an Asian massage spa? This guide will help you navigate massage girls near you.
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We”ve all been there: you find yourself driving by a certain part of town when you see the sign for a “Massage Parlor” or “Asian Spa” in a spot that doesn”t obligate a massage parlor or have a single person living nearby, and using your Russell-Crowe-like mind you cracked this code and read the sign as it was intended to be read: “Handjobs ‘R Us.”
Instantly your mind is flooded with thoughts: “How much would this sort of thing cost me?” “What do I get?” “Is this illegal?” “Are all the massage therapists here Asian or is that just the style of spa services?” You end up putting the thought in the back of your brain where all unlikely sexual scenarios go—until one day…
Maybe you broke up with your girlfriend, maybe you just got paid, or maybe your internet is down, but you find your mind wandering to the thought of the parlor. You decide to walk in… you know… just to research it, and find yourself instantly lost: What do I do? Where do I go? Why are there stains in the lobby?
Fortunately for you, I have researched plenty of times for an Asian massage near me, and can now confidently tell you the proper way to go about getting wanked off.
1. Dress the Part
Skip the low quality massage lotions or oils.
Ask her to give you a verbal menu, how much everything costs and what you get for the price. You should lament the fact that you only have $20 but since you”re here anyway you”ll take what you can get. At this point she”ll either encourage you to get more money or simply do the job right there because of the rapport you guys have built up.
Most likely, though, she”ll want more money. Tell her you”re broke and make up another story about how your pet just died or you just sent all of your money to a prince overseas. If this fails immediately make sure you display the twenty dollar bill. Escorts aren”t like normal humans because their senses are trained to recognize the sight and smell of money and they become physically stimulated by it, causing them to throw caution to the wind. In short, it”s like opium to them.
She”ll succumb eventually and will begin to work her magic. If she”s truly mad you”re not giving her more than $20 then prepare for a standard (if magical) wank. If she doesn”t mind the pay cut, you may be able to talk her into taking off her top, allowing you to fondle her while she fondles you. It”s a win-win! If she gives you the option of lotion or no lotion, choose no lotion—that way you get the most for your money, plus you won”t need to worry about her using some knock-off lead-based lotion that”s going to make your dick explode into hives after twenty minutes.
You: So how much is this going to cost?Whore: Well it”s $40 if you want a handjob and $80 for a blowjob.You: I really only have the $20 so what are my options?
Whore: Alright well I guess I can make an exception, just because you”re cute.
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Whore: Well there”s an ATM in the lobby.You: I know, but this was my last $60. See I got this email that told me that a wealthy oil king recently died and his son needed my bank account information to move a few million around. For some reason when I checked my account, everything was cleaned out, but I think it”s just temporary. Point is, I don”t have any money.Whore: Your story sounds believable and I will proceed to touch your junk.Penis: Wooooooooooooooooo!!!!
5. Awkward Aftermath
After you”re done she”ll most likely throw some paper towels your way and tell you to clean up. Do this quickly and get dressed as if you were a firefighter rushing for a five-alarm blaze after being awoken at 2am. Try to ignore the waves of guilt washing over your body as you do this. A standard “thank you” is appreciated but not compulsory, seeing as how you”ll never visit this place again. Walk/sprint out of the parlor while keeping your eyes to the ground and your shoulders square (in case someone gets in your way) and proceed to your car. Feel free to sit in your vehicle for a few minutes to sob quietly to yourself about what your life has become.
Penis: That was fantastic, we should get a membership there or something.Inner Voice: I…what have I done, oh my god. Why?Penis: Giggidy.
That”s it, you”re ready to get serviced at an Asian massage parlor with confidence!
CAUTION: This guide will work 83% of the time, depending on how upscale the venue is and how many girls are working.